Petals' life was as fragile as a flower. In the short four and a half years that she was with me, we went through many ups and downs together.
I picked her up when she was a kitten, her eyes barely open at a coffee shop in Bt Panjang. A cat-lover friend had informed me of this teeny little kitten wandering aimlessly near her house. Her mother seemed to have disappeared. I've never had a cat before or even owned any animal at that stage in my life. But Petals sounded adorable. I felt I wanted to protect this cat from the storms of life, the harshness of the outside world.
I said I would go and take a look at the cat. In my heart, I knew that I wanted her to be mine even though the excitement and the anticipation and fear of looking after her prevented me from verbally accepting her immediately.
The moment I first saw Petals, my heart melted. Yes. She will be the one that I will learn to love completely and without reservations.
Life with a kitten was very busy indeed, I soon found out. Firstly, she was always hungry. I had to feed her about 4-5 times a day cos she was always looking for food. She was also so tiny, I was afriad she would fall off down the stairs. Good thing she never did.
Very soon, my single adult life was no longer so lonely. I finally had someone I could hold at night. I talked to her and shared with her my pain, my dreams and she seemed to love me still the same.
A month later, I felt I wanted to keep Petals company by getting her another cat. This cat was really adorable as well. His name is Forrest. The story of Forrest will be another article. Unfortunately, for both Petals and Forrest, Forrest actually had FIP (Feline Infectious Perinotitis) when he came to me and infected Petals when he was a young cat. Forrest did not survive the illness and died shortly afterwards.
It was really a miracle that Petals even survived at all.
Petals' life has always been fragile. FIP is an illness that is incurable. The virus could live dormant inside a cat's body and strike suddenly without much warning.
I never knew until her sudden death that her life was so much on the edge.
Petals collapsed a day after I returned from my 3 day trip to Bintan on the 5th of January. She had a bit of a limp, which I noticed a few days before my trip and I thought it was just a minor accident as she's been jumping down from the walls. Subsequently, she slept and rested a lot. I really thought that was her way of healing her wound and thought nothing much of it except that I would bring her to the vet if it didn't heal. The two days before I left for Bintan was also New Year's Eve and New Year's and the vet was closed and I thought I could bring her to see the vet after I returned.
It has been difficult for me to forgive myself for the lack of action and for not having spent the last 3 days of her life with her. She was actually still looking ok, walking and all on the night I came back from my holiday. I had planned to take her to the vet the next day to check on her leg which I noticed hasn't healed. That night though, I had a very uncomfortable feeling that Petals is dying.
The next day, as I was coming down the stairs, my boyfriend shouted to me to come downstairs. My heart was beating. I knew it had something to do with Petals. Then there, she was, lying half dead on the floor. I asked Raymond, " Is she dead?" "Her heart is still beating." We were both paralysed with fear. We grabbed the cat carrier and put her inside and flagged for a cab to take her to the vet.
Have you watched the life of a love one slip away and felt so helpless not to be able to do anything about it?
"Petals, you must hang on. We are almost there." Half way through the journey, Raymond said, "I think she's stopped breathing." I did not want to believe him. I rushed her into the clinic and told the nurses it was an emergency. They put her on oxygen immediately and tried to revive her.
Half an hour had gone back. It felt like the longest time in the world: The time between life and death.... It was too late. Petals was gone.
I've been too numbed about her death to cry much or moan for her for the past few days. I haven't wanted to think about it. But today, I felt I could no longer hide the tears. I could no longer go on pretending that life is the same as before cos it never is when a love one dies.
She was my first cat. The first creature I learned to love completely and the first to ever love me so completely.
I miss you Petals and I will always love you. You were part of me and I was a part of you. My life has been beautiful because of you. May your spirit, wisdom and freedom live in the hearts of those who have known you and may you be a reminder to me to live and love life to the fullest.
Rest in peace, rest in peace, rest... in....peace.
(A memorial service for Petals will be held this Sunday the 14th of January at 4p.m. Those who would like to be part of it, please email me at iris@iriskoh.com. You are welcome to contribute a poem, any kind words,pictures, music etc or just your presence)
